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Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Disillusionment

After graduation, almost everyone I know went away to different so called "coaching centres" for getting into a preferable post graduation seat. I was uncomfortable with the way health education works at colleges and at "coaching centres". So, I went away to Malki hoping to figure out everything.

Daktre was waiting with a vane to fan the fruit flies away. We talked for an entire afternoon and evening (and the next day morning along with my community medicine professor).

Several trains of thought departed at that station. Here are a few.

Who am I?

I am a self-described narcissist. The question though is, is my narcissism clouding my judgement about my abilities and possibilities? Is it making me go in directions that I would not want to if I were to think clearly without the pressure of having to be "me"? The "me" here is also questionable. Stereotypes are bad. If I have an idea of "me" it means that I've stereotyped myself into something. Stereotypes limit what we consider as possible.

Is my "discomfort" with entrance coaching, medical education, etc stemming from my own sense of me being a person who goes against most of the mainstream things? Am I going against most mainstream things because "I go against mainstream things"?

I think the answers to many of these questions are inseparable from the nature of reality.

Do not mistake the horse for the cart

But we don't need to answer many of those questions. There are people who follow the crowd and do great things. There are people who don't follow the crowd and do great things. There are people who follow the crowd and do meagre things. There are people who don't follow the crowd and do meagre things.

Doing "great things" is my cart. That's what I want to do.

How I do it, is just the horse.

And it doesn't matter which horse we are riding.

What do I want to do?

It is funny I haven't defined "great things". Because I don't know what I want to do. I want to do good. I want to be remembered. I want to make life simpler for a lot of people. And I want to satisfy my own intellectual curiosities.

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